The way it is
by PrettyFlowers
Summary: Justin and michael coping after the death of Brian. BJ love, JM friendship, MB friendship.


"What do you want?"

The one question Justin had been asked since he was around the age of five. Chocolate Ice cream, or Vanilla? The Zoo or the Art Museum? The Movies or The Bar? Sure those were easy questions, but how exactly do you answer a question for a funeral? It seems so damn easy, the oak coffin or the chestnut coffin?

He looks over at a tearful Michael. His eyebrows raised, saying _well…_Michael is speechless and just shakes his head in a way Justin hasn't figured out yet, he wants to know though, a part of him is eager to see what all these years Brian saw in Michael, why his lover was best-friends with this man completely opposite of him.

"Um…" Justin takes a much-needed breath and looks at the coffins. "Chestnut I guess."

He gives Michael a side ways glance and the man in a gray shirt and blue jeans just shrugs.

The man, who name Justin can't remember just nods.

"Excellent choice Mr. Taylor."

Justin gives a slight smile and walks his way over to Michael where he gives a slight bump to the stiff man.

"Let's get out of here."

Michael doesn't respond, his eyes just come up to look at Justin's blue ones. Michael looks so lost in that very moment. Justin has this urge to shake him and scream, _you're not the only one. You're not the only one who loved him._ He can't though, because no matter how much he hurts, he can't bring himself to be cruel to the other person Brian shared his life with.

"Come on, I'll buy you some good weed." He wraps his arm around Michael's shoulders, and leads him out.

"Promise." Michael says softly.

They spend the rest of their night on the floor. Justin watches the ceiling spin and wonders what else is out there. He feels cold and wonders if Brian is warm. He sure hopes so, he decides at the moment that no one, even killers, deserve to be cold. He looks over at Michael who's laughing so hard; he has tears in his eyes. He wishes he were laughing. He wishes he were feeling something.

"I haven't cried."

It comes out blunt, but it's so true. Michael stops laughing, and turns his body to face Justin, who's looking into soft brown eyes.

"I've cried too much."

He seems to be ashamed, looking away then back at his hands, as if they hold the key to the world.

"Does that make me a bad person? Make me love him less than everyone else?"

Michael is silent, then he scouts closer, "I think he wanted it this way, you not crying, it's just him. I mean I cry, but I think he expects that from me. You're the strong one."

Justin lets out a chuckle, he's not really strong, people just assume, since the bashing. He's laughing hard now.

"What the fuck, Justin."

Justin tries to compost himself.

"I'm not that strong, I mean people assume it was so hard putting up with Brian. Sure he could be an asshole but really I was the hard one. I always tested him and wanted more. In the end he was the strong one, I was the troubled one. I was really weak. Without him I'd still be that scared shit teenage boy, being put down by his father."

Michael nods and closes his eyes. He wants to absorb this moment, remember it for the rest of his life. He feels content, the weed in his system, making life just a bit calmer, he doesn't have to think.

"I think." Justin starts, slowly and steady, making sure the words are right, "that maybe if I cry, it means he is actually gone, that he's not coming back and I'll never see him again."

Maybe because Justin's confused, maybe it's because the one person he's loved with all his fucking heart is having his funeral in two damn days, or maybe it's because he can't tell anyone else but Michael but he's speaking his heart.

"I can't let that be true. I need him Michael, more than I can ever say. It hurts so badly. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and it just hurts to breath."

Michael loved Brian but he can't relate. He can't be on that rocky bridge with Justin holding his hand, because Michael's bridge is full of 14-year-old memories. Michael's world with Brian is full of jokes, movies, comics and drunken nights. He doesn't have warm bed dances, holding hands, I love you/ I hate you, he doesn't have that type of love. It hurts Michael, because, yeah for years he had a crush on his best-friend but then again he was never his, Brian was never anyone's but if he was he was Justin's, without a doubt.

"I bet Brian is rolling his eyes and calling us "big fucking queens."

Justin lets of a small chuckle, followed by a whispered

"Probably."

It's all he can muster.


End file.
